Centers for Dissent Control Advisory: Protect Yourself from Wisconsin Fever!

Posted February 19, 2011

Centers for Dissent Control ADVISORY:
Protect Yourself from Wisconsin Fever!

What is Wisconsin Fever?

Wisconsin Fever is a new epidemic spreading across the Midwestern states. Research suggests that it may be related to recent strains of Tunisian and Egypi an fever that have spread across the Middle East. Two subspecies (W. b. workingclassiense and W. b. studentacivis) are known to cause the infection. Its symptoms include:

* Restlessness; a refusal to stand by while human rights are stripped from workers
* An extreme hunger for solidarity, even if one is not personally affected by the attacks
* Nausea associated with tax breaks for the rich and pay cuts for workers
* Massive, uncontrollable outbreaks of demonstrations, strikes, and occupations against anti-worker legislation.

Its most severe cases have yet to be documented, but preliminary research suggests that Wisconsin Fever may be highly contagious and is in danger of breaking out in many other states across the nation.

What can I do to avoid getting Wisconsin Fever?

You should avoid being bitten by activism. To prevent potential contamination, avoid places where activists commonly breed: schools, universities, the workplace, the street.

Personal precautions

* Cultivate a cynical or fatalistic perspective in order to build immunity from the spreading sense of hope that workers can unite to defend their rights.
* Believe, against all evidence, that the only way to get out of a budget crisis is to savagely attack people’s standard of living. This can be done by taking an austerity suppository.
* Repeat the mantra “there is a silent majority supporting the Governor” (Note: mantras are alternative medicine techniques and thus are not held to the same standard as mainstream medicine).

Protect yourself when workers and students are present

* Activists, union members, students, independent journalists, public sector workers, and generally anyone who works to make a living are known to spread Wisconsin Fever—avoid them whenever possible.
* When you hear the inspiring sound of thousands of people chanting slogans of solidarity, immediately wash your ears out with a proper dose of Tea Party chemical solvents.
* If you must expose yourself to populations likely to spread Wisconsin Fever, always wear thought repellents, such as false budget figures propagated by the mass media and state government and discredited economic theories that correlate the decline of human rights with a healthy economy.

Public health measures to prevent Wisconsin Fever

State governments and political elites threatened with an outbreak of Wisconsin Fever should immediately respond in the following ways:

* Divide working people against each other by any means possible, including the exemption of some workers from anti-worker legislation
* Extensively cover Tea Party counter-rallies in the media, no matter how small
* Deploy the National Guard in an effort to intimidate demonstrators

Immediate action is necessary to prevent the spread of Wisconsin Fever to vulnerable populations across the United States, such as unemployed workers, students, public employees, and other working-class people!