Random Shots: The Great Gulf Oil War Follies

R.F. Kampfer

KAMPFER’S OLD 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment, better known as the Third Herd, Mox Nix Regiment, or Hippy Bunch, has been sent to Saudi Arabia. Quite a change from the snow-covered hills of Grafenwohr. By now they have probably discovered a way to make beer out of dates.

After the First World War, it was estimated that 763,000 Germans died of starvation due to the British blockade. That figure does not include non-German civilians in occupied territories. Bush’s naval blockade of Iraq ignores the fact that soldiers—-and politicians–are always the last to starve.

On Iran-Iraq front, Iraq’s declaration of peace leaves things just about where they were between the two countries before their eight year war, except that the million or so people killed are still dead.

First the U.S. built up Iran as a regional power to confront the Soviet Union; then we supported Iraq to defeat Iran; now we are building up Saudi Arabia against Iraq. So whom will we be skiing with against the Saudis in ten years?

Life Styles of Late Capitalism

WITH ALL the advances in modem plastic surgery, can’t they install pockets? Pipe smokers never have enough. And a new line of men’s and women’s underwear is coming out that features a pocket designed to hold an emergency condom (a great idea until one gets melted in the clothes dryer).

Quote of the month: “Sixty years old is middle-aged? How many people do you know who are 120?”—Meryl Streep

Men watch baseball games on TV instead of getting up a game at the park. Women collect gourmet recipes and dine on diet sludge. Kids would rather fantasize about being Clint Eastwood than punch out the schoolyard bully. Any wonder that so many people lead vicarious sex lives through pornography?

As the fundamentalists charge, some songs tend to promote suicide. These are not to be found, however, on the heavy metal racks. Some of the worst offenders:

“California Dreaming” (anyplace north of Virginia in January)

“Last Train To Clarkesville” (if there’s a war on)

“Sunday Morning Sidewalk” (if you are home)

Any rap album that your teenager plays nine times a day.

The above-mentioned teenager’s typing class teacher showed what he really thought about teenagers when he assigned her class to write a letter to their parole board.

Anthropology Old and New

SOME ANTHROPOLOGISTS theorize that the wedding ring is a symbol of a link of the chain that was formerly used to keep wives from leaving.

Kliban, cartoonist-plenipotentiary of the Feline Nation, died recently. In accordance with his last wishes, his remains have been delivered for recycling to the Purina corporation. (Just kidding folks. The real-life Kliban disliked cats—ed.)

Dear Ms. Manners,

What is the proper way to introduce an unmarried couple (gay or straight, for that matter)? “This is my sister and her… “friend? lover? partner? roommate? significant other?

Gentle Reader,

Ms. Manners prefers to use “main squeeze.”

November-December 1990, ATC 29