Random Shots: That Was the War That Was

— R.F. Kampfer

WHAT LESSON HAS Boy George taught the world? “He that hath no nuke, let him sell his cloak and buy a nuke.”

Dubya secretly enjoys the fact that the world considers him a cowboy. The problem is that he sees himself as Gary Cooper in “High Noon” and they see him as Jack Palance in “Shane.”

The Iraqi conduct of the war -- leaving the lights on in Baghdad, leaving the bridges unblown, moving troops around aimlessly -- makes you wonder whether there was some very subtle plan behind it, or no plan at all.

Too bad they stopped talking about the Coalition of the Willing. Lots of potential for mad-COW jokes.

Funny how there were no troops available to guard the hospitals and museums, but plenty for the oil ministry.

They kidnap hostages, we capture prisoners. Do you feel righteous now?

The Road to Metz

U.S. MARINES IN Kuwait keep live chickens as an early warning system for chemical weapons. Its amazing that they can refrain from eating them after a few weeks on MREs.

Once again we see that “Amateurs study strategy, professionals think about logistics.” Did they forget how Patton ran out of gas on the road to Metz?

One of the militaries newest toys is the EMP (electro-magnetic pulse) bomb, designed to crash enemy computers. This device was actually conceived by the socialist science-fiction writer Mack Reynolds in his excellent 1967 novel Computer War.

We can expect Tony Blair to start quoting Rudyard Kipling any day now. Dubya, of course, does not read.

Dubya has documented proof that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction. His dad kept the receipts.

The Inside Dope

ASHCROFT HAS LAUNCHED a new crusade against drug paraphernalia. Kampfer will give up his Rumph bong when they pry it out of his cold dead fingers.

Most Tasteless Advertisement: Cadbury Chocolate, “Like Kashmir, too good to share.” Runnerup: “Make Love, Not War,” the theme of the advertising campaign of a French mattress company. And you thought we had a monopoly on bad taste?

This time of year you can get Coca-Cola marked “Kosher for Passover.” Made the old-fashioned way with cane sugar, it is much better than the modern variety made with corn syrup.

Recently saw a video made just a few years ago. The trial ends, and all the reporters charge out of the court room to the phone booths, to call in their stories. Now, of course, they would just whip out their cell phones. Another Hollywood cliche bites the dust.

ATC 104, May-June 2003