Random Shots: Kampfer's Modest Suggestions

— R.F. Kampfer

A NATURAL CONSEQUENCE of privatizing the nation's prisons would be a return to the practice of charging admission to the public to view he inmates, as is done in modern zoos. An even greater savings would result from the old Chinese practice of allowing the visitors to throw scraps of food to those prisoners they found most amusing.

Deer hunters try to improve their chances by dumping truckloads of carrots or sugar berets in front of their stands. As a result, most deer are stuffing themselves in the middle of the night and bedding down well before lawn. It would make more sense to defoliate the woods with Agent Orange so Bambi would have to keep grazing during the day.

There ought to be a warning against listening to Bob Dole while driving or operating machinery.

For Your Viewing Enjoyment

HOW HAVE THOSE people looking for hidden erotic messages in Disney movies managed to overlook "Toy Story"? "Woody: and "Buzz" are obvious sex and drug references, of course, while the skyrocket scene is a blatant homage to Kenneth Anger's homo-erotic classic "Fireworks."

Every once in a while, PBS will broadcast "Romance With a Double Bass," a light British comedy containing full frontal nudity. Apparently, fundamentalists aren't into Chekhov.

"Bar Girls" does not paint a very flattering portrait of this lesbian subculture, who are shown as possessive, insecure and unreliable. Nonetheless we all know people of every gender just like them, and it's funnier than "Cheers."

National Cultures

POLISH CHILDREN USED to be told that the Russians celebrated Christmas two weeks late (the Orthodox calendar) so that they could use the trees the Poles threw away.

In Japan, there was a recent mini-panic after a few Black Widow spiders were spotted. Considerable embarrassment ensued when it was pointed out that these migratory arachnids have been visiting Japan for centuries without doing any damage. Indeed, a classic Japanese story tells of a woman whose personality is changed by the Black Widow
tattooed on her back.

Critics of the Canadian health care system fail to mention that the government there is starving the program to death because it doesn't dare to kill it openly. WONDERS HOW many advocates of making concealed weapons permits easier to get than driver's licenses could pass the FBI's "Hogan's Alley" course, which would flunk students for shooting innocent bystanders.

General Colin Powell made his reputation against Saddam Hussein, who sat passively and waited to be attacked. Bill Clinton would have made a much shiftier opponent.

ATC 61, March-April 1996

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